trying not to feel down about growing up

thoughts and ramblings about growing up, making mistakes, and expecting less while wanting more

When I was younger I just couldn’t wait to grow up. In elementary school that meant hitting a double-digit age, in middle school I couldn’t wait to be a teenager, and in high school being 18 with all its “freedom” was the ultimate goal. Having such a future-oriented mindset allowed me to create a fantasy for what that next chapter would bring and while some things were accurate, there would be moments where I stood in the position I wanted to be in so badly and all I could think was “So this is it?”. And not in the sense of being let down or unappreciative of each new year, but I often expected a certain level of knowledge or maturity or maybe even certain-ness that just wasn’t there once it was all said and done.

There are a few ages that come vivid memories of me actually feeling like I was getting older. After turning 10 I was convinced no one could tell me anything and my smart mouth and affinity for saying “so?” was quickly squashed as I learned theres a time and place and for the wit that I had been given. Then there was turning 13 where I paraded around my basement mocktail in hand as I demanded that everyone be my friend on Facebook and gawk over the profile I had just built that day. Even when I turned 25, for the first time after a long pandemic blur I actually felt the age that I was. It clicked in my head that I was indeed a 25-year-old and with that I thought I was one step closer to having it all figured out but as the year closes it’s clear even more doors were opened, questions are left unanswered, and mistakes were still made.

I’ll get back to the year of 25 in a second but one moment in life I always think back to was my senior year of high school as I was applying for colleges. This is truly the PEAK of being a mere child but thinking you know everything. In my search for freedom, the one thing I said I could never do was go to the University of Maryland—College Park. To the point of kicking and screaming, I was convinced that my life would be hell if I enrolled as a student at that campus. NOW many have heard me say this but I truly wouldn’t change anything about how I found myself there and I think a lot about my relationship with UMD + my love for it is born from my unique perspective of being a transfer student, but if 17-year-old Ianthe could see me now…idk I’d just have to laugh in her face because little did she know and little will I ever know. Fast forwarding to turning 25 there is a moment that I actually do wish I could go back in time and remedy but unfortunately, I can’t. For my birthday I threw a huge party and it was truly beyond amazing, one of my best birthdays ever, but one thing was missing and that was my family. I was given the opportunity to have them celebrate such a huge milestone with me and in my made up idea of what was “grown and mature” I asked them to not come and I truly beat myself up for that often. It was such a stupid way of thinking in assuming that it would come off as more “adult” if the event was just my friends when in reality the true adult thing is to celebrate with those you love regardless of who they are. I’ve said sorry for this many times but again here I am saying: I’m sorry.

Hindsight really is 20/20 because these are just a few moments where my progression to a new age came with what I thought was a new wave of maturity when really it just came with more questions. Go figure.

Once this post goes live, I will be 26 and I don’t want to speak too soon but I really don’t feel any doom and gloom surrounding this new year. No anxiety about what it’ll bring or what’s expected of me. I just feel a lot of love…and hope. Heavy on the hope because by releasing myself from the expectations of what I “should” do I can lean fully into what I want to do. Which is exactly what I hope this year is for me, an extension of last year where I dipped my toe into the waters of bravery but this time I’m jumping into the deep end of this mentality—with both feet. So cheers to a year of beating the birthday scaries, going after everything that’s mine, and getting sh*t done.

from me to you,
Ianthe