it's all just stuff...or is it?

my thoughts on things (literally)

It seems like one of the earliest lessons we learn as children is the idea of possession and after a while, we can distinguish what’s yours, ours, and most importantly mine. At 5, that may be a blanket (for me it was my stuffed animal Ashy), at 13 it could be your favorite dress, but as I move deeper into my 20s, the things that I value as “mine” are becoming more important which means the loss is even more devestating.

On a recent trip to London, what started as a day filled with the perfect tourist-y itinerary—the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace, riding the London Eye, seeing Big Ben—ended with me feeling as if part of my identity was stolen from me: I was pickpocketed and my phone was stolen. Initial disbelief aside, I found myself sobbing in a McDonald’s and wracking my brain as I attempted to think of everything I may or may not have lost. Photos dating back to my freshman year of college, a voice memo from my grandfather, hell even my massive collection of grocery lists (when I search the word “grocery” in my notes app 64 notes come up, I should really do something about that). As the McDonald’s employees attempted to console me, they continued to ask whether I had insurance to help me getting another phone and that question frustrated me deeply because I could get another phone, that isn’t what worried me, but the phone that was stolen was mine! In therapy, I’ve been working on putting words to my emotions, not in an attempt to intellectualize them, but to make them real. I could already feel myself minimizing the situation, trying to tell myself that it was just a phone or that thanks to a cloud backup everything was safe, but to be blunt I felt extremely violated and honestly still do.

While my phone being stolen is one thing, the event and my reaction to it eventually led me down a bit of a more psychological train of thought where I discovered a concept considered “the extended self” which is defined as “a person's mind, body, physical possessions, family, friends, and affiliation groups” and was coined by Russel Belk PhD. It’s also important to note that with the advent of the internet our phones have in a sense become an extension of ourselves as well via the information we store on it, the information we have access to on it, and the relationships we use it to build. So, building off the idea that our possessions essentially serve as an extension of who we are as people, my question is: in your 20s what does it mean to own something, what does any of that say about you (if anything), and how does it feel to lose things?

we’re all in this together (i hope)

Recently I’ve had to face the facts: prices are going up but wages are staying the same (and sometimes even going down). I often think of the mystical time when 20-year-olds could live in a major city AND live life off a barista salary. Hell, I even think back to 2021 when I was living large with 30K less than I make currently. As we speed towards an economic recession…depression (?) I can’t be the only one thinking of ways to cut corners, but I’ve also realized that without having a word for it my 20s has been defined by the idea of collaborative consumption. Now, I’m tossing a little bit of economics into the mix so walk with me, but collaborative consumption is defined as an economic model where individuals share, swap, trade, or rent products and services, enabling access over ownership, often facilitated by online platforms. That automatically makes me think of services like Airbnb, Uber, Depop, Ebay, Nuuly, even the library. It would be very honorable for me to argue that this was all for environmental reasons, but in most cases (not Uber) it’s the more affordable option. Everyone who knows me has heard me sing Nuuly’s praises as I fully admit I’m someone who loves to incorporate new clothing into my wardrobe pretty frequently. Whereas my college self would get monthly hauls of clothes from PLT (R.I.P. to the OG) or Princess Polly, I’ve now swapped in my $99 rental which allows me to step out on a limb sometimes and try things that I’d never take a risk on if I were paying full price.

But I want to zoom in just a tad bit more and apply this concept to the resurgence of community that we’ve been seeing all around us, likely in response to the way covid eliminated community and sheer economic need. I’ve learned there is no village without being a good villager yourself, and one of my favorite ways this comes to life can be thought of like lending your neighbor some sugar. Think borrowing a flat-iron one time, using a friend’s printer, sleeping on someone’s couch, you know the vibe. The idea that I don’t have to own something in the traditional sense to benefit from it or to have it aid in my self-expression. Now circling allll the way back to the extended self, how do I incorporate things that I use…but don’t necessarily own into who I am? In an interview with the American Psychology Association, my good sir Belk said it best when he argued that “if you are what you access rather than you are what you have, you have a much broader sense of the world”. In this sense, I’m blessed to be rich in ways that go far beyond what can be seen with the naked eye and that has to be worth something, right?

who do you own it for?

Do I want it because of how it makes me feel? Or because of what others will think…or does what people think go hand in hand with what I feel? In your 20s it feels like the two are harder and harder to separate. This is a decade with a lot of large first purchases, whether it’s a house, a car, a designer purse, an expensive piece of furniture. The car signals mobility and freedom in a lot of places while the designer purchase signals taste and class. For a lot of us, it’s our first go at having disposable income and with that we start to make purchases that become defining to who we are, who we want to be, and how we want to be perceived—and that’s a lot of pressure! It’s now even harder than ever to “keep up with the Joneses” but I feel like many people can relate to owning something and thinking more about what it means to others than what it means to you. And I’m not exempting myself from that. Think buying a luxury car just to say you own it vs. doing the research on the best car for your needs (and budget). And as someone who engages in community regularly, it is not a negative or foreign feeling to seek approval and reassurance, but when that validation is tied to possessions—which are so fragile—then I think we set ourselves up and sell ourselves short. The concept of the extended self is cool, but not when it overcompensates or takes over who you really are at your core, within your spirit. It’s so exciting to be able to say “I bought xyz..” it’s almost like a shot of serotonin and a physical representation of days, months, years, of hard work, but when our sense of pride is so closely intertwined with the things that we own, that is what makes losing them feel akin to losing yourself.

alexa play “losing you”

As I sit with all of this, I wonder: what is the takeaway? Is the lesson to place less value on possessions and things? To take care of them better and be more careful? Or is it learning that part of ownership is eventually letting go in some way since I guess we can’t keep everything forever. Loss comes in various forms and varying degrees and while this sounds like a very dramatic conclusion to come from a stolen phone I’m reminded of how at its core grief is the price we pay for love. I’m only sad about losing things I loved. My emotional support water bottle, my phone, my first car, my loved ones. All things that I once possessed and no longer do. Things that defined me at different stages of life and no longer do. I guess with a newfound reflection of how the things I own define me and the way that can all mesh with how I think of myself I want to be pickier about the things I place such immense value in. As someone who owns so many little things it’s inspired me to pare down where I can while also investing my money and emotions only into things that I know can go the distance.

I bet the thief in the McDonalds didn’t know they were going to prompt this “awakening” but alas here I am. My phone may currently be right outside of Hong Kong, but as for everything else? Thankfully it’s still safe with me.

from me to you,

ianthe