AT THIS POINT...who knows what's next?

timelines are cancelled, you heard it here first

I’ve highkey been avoiding writing this one because I don’t really have the answers or points (wink wink) in the way that I have for past issues. When I think about my reasons for starting this newsletter, I wanted to create a sort of anthropological collection of my thought processes and interests during such a key decade of my life so with that comes talking about things I don’t have fully figured out just yet. SO with that being said: let’s talk timelines.

We love to create them, we hate when they fall through. And when it comes to me, I will extend a timeline back further and further to avoid that feeling of failure that comes with not accomplishing something when you expected to. It’s giving president of the “God When?” committee and frequent user of the following meme:

We’ve managed to create a society that asks questions like “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” and “so what’s next” which stresses me out bc I’m the type of person to say I’ll be doing whatever the version of myself that exists in 5 years wants to do. Now that answer makes me seem like I’m a very go with the flow and let things happen type of girl and in some ways I am…but I can’t help but still compare my journey to how things are “supposed” to be. For example, growing up I always said I’d be married at 24 and have my first child at 27. Now as I type this post with a noticeably light left ring finger it’s clear that we’ve gone a bit off script, but timeline delays like that are easy for me to rationalize and cope with because:

1. I clearly didn’t know what I was talking about when I set these goals

2. The state of dating is in shambles and it’s damn near irreparable

3. I could not take care of a baby…I can barely take care of myself

In my mind, it’s due to external factors that these things haven’t happened yet or maybe I don’t want it in actuality currently, so it’s easier for me to bump these milestones or goals back a few years. Truthfully it’s the big hypothetical far-in-the-distance milestones that are easier for me to be flexible with, but when it comes to goals such as being able to live alone, furthering my career, or hitting a savings goal it’s a lot harder for me to extend myself that same grace.

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✨ CONTENT FOR CONTEXT✨

Found this TikTok to be super grounding as I think about my goals + timing!

@mskimhaleMoving to NYC to pursue ny ✨DREAMS✨ was definitely the right decision. Hard to believe I’ve almost been here a month. Wow!🤭 #dreambig #livingthedream #dance #dancer #actor #broadway #over50 #broadwaytok #fyp #foryoupage

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✨ WHAT’S MY POINT OF VIEW? ✨

This issue is incredibly timely because it’s dropping just a few days before a big goal that I wanted to accomplish: running a half marathon. Yes, I turned 25 and had the unique idea to start running, but after a TRAUMATIC (word to my therapist for encouraging me to use that term) accident last year it’s clear my body wasn’t on the same page. This was one of the goals I set for my 25th year and as I cried…correction sobbed on The Hudson River Greenway after my injured leg brought me to a full stop and one thought rose above the rest: this isn’t how I was supposed to fail.

After deciding to run this half marathon I went through a slew of reasons why this goal would flop: I wouldn’t be serious about training or maybe I’d get scared and back out but to my surprise and delight I was locked in. I was up at 6 AM, running around Brooklyn like the main character in some Nike commercial, and doing it multiple times a week. I was even having fun, but what I wasn’t sharing was how much pain I was in afterward. My desire to hold on to the timing of this goal clouded my better judgment because truthfully I should’ve ended my training much earlier than I did. It was hard for me to come to grips with the fact that it wasn’t my mental strength holding me back or it wasn’t that I didn’t dedicate myself enough towards accomplishing my goal…I just couldn’t physically do it at this time. I was more focused on running a half marathon with my friends specifically on April 28th vs. realizing my interest in accomplishing that goal and understanding that maybe it will happen later this year, next year, or years from now and it would feel just as good if not better when I cross the finish line. I could tell ten different stories that remind me that my timing is unique to me and yet I can’t seem to get it through my thick skull as I continue to desire for more and stack myself up against my peers.

✨ SO WHAT’S THE POINT? ✨

In this issue’s TikTok, Miss Kim Hale states that when she originally pursued her dream in her 20s, she “lacked the maturity to navigate the ups and downs of pursuing a goal”. Seeing someone her age dive in head first and pursue their goal was inspiration in itseld, but this line in particular where she looks back on her life felt like lifted up a mirror. In my mind this is how things should work: I set a goal, I work hard, and mission accomplished but it’s rarely that straightforward. Entering my 20s I grossly underestimated those ups and downs and the effects they’d have on me, but I’m trying my best to remind myself that there are goals and blessings that I’m still being prepared for no matter how certain I am that I’m ready for them now.

So to those like me who are forever giving yourself a small extension, your time will come soon

from me to you,

Ianthe