AT THIS POINT...we need to start from square one.

kick Memorial Day weekend off on the RIGHT foot

I waited a hot second to jump into this topic mainly because I didn’t want to lean into the obvious, I wanted to give y’all something fresh and new. But I also didn’t know which angle to approach things because I want to challenge myself to go beyond what’s easy or most natural. The whole late bloomer angle has been done (word to miss Kayla and her article HERE) so instead we’re diving into the state of dating—both online and irl.

My earliest memory related to relationships had to be in 4th grade when I had a crush on my classmate named C*rnelius and my way of expressing that was ever so subtle: I made the screen on my Samsung flip phone read “I love Corn” whenever I would turn it on or off—very iconic of me when I think back on it. My earliest memory of online dating was Tinder which was created in September of 2012 and notably was an app for users 13+ until it became 18+ in 2016 (which I actively remember my account being deactivated temporarily because of this). I made my first dating profile at the ripe age of 13 in physics class during my freshman year of high school and thought it was so exciting that I could have a chance with boys in the DMV private school bubble all without leaving my desk.

I’ve been in the game for a bit…seen some highs and some lows…but I say all this to say: this issue we are waking it up and getting real with my current dating culture qualms.

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✨ CONTENT FOR CONTEXT✨

this month we have a 3-for-1 content for context special, hope y’all enjoy:

1. DID DATING APPS KILL CRUSHES? - Dazed

2. THIS TIKTOK:

@gaelaitor_& you dont deal with weirdos because ur friends vet them for you... go set your friends up with someone nice!!

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3. THIS CONCERNING GRAPH:

pls we have to change this yall, be the change you want to see in the world

✨ WHAT’S MY POINT OF VIEW? ✨

POINT #1: Eliminate embarrassment, bring back shame

Walk with me on this one because you may be asking me “Ianthe, how can the two co-exist?” well I’m here to tell you! First off, we need to eliminate the embarrassment that has somehow infiltrated its way into our dating culture. And by this I mean we need to rid ourselves of thinking that showing interest, reciprocating interest, making the first move, etc. are all embarrassing things. It seems like approaching people first has become a crime in recent years…perhaps I missed the memo. For my age bracket specifically, the pandemic kept us in mostly solitude from age 21 to 24-ish which is a huge chunk of time that’s typically used to learn how to form relationships outside of the context of college, navigate early adulthood, and flex our social skills. So I get it…we got the short end of the stick with that one. But my brothers and sisters I fear we must get over it and dive into love head first!

And on the flip side of this coin, we need to bring back shame immediately and with the quickness. There are so many things that people should be ashamed of ever saying to someone they’re pursuing. Why aren’t you ashamed to be a full-grown adult asking someone to “slide to your apt”? Why aren’t you ashamed to be texting someone for 2 weeks with 0 plans made? Why are you starting a conversation with “hey” when I have provided you with three (3) detailed prompts—what is your problem??? Naturally, the time spent in the pandemic brought on a surge of activity on dating apps for obvious reasons. Still, I think as we’ve continued to keep dating digital first, people are forgetting that there are humans on the other side of the screen. That paired with the impact the past 4 years have had on American’s social skills has resulted in me reading messages both personally and to my friends that actually make my brain short-circuit.

The sweet spot between not being embarrassed to express how you really feel, but also harboring enough shame to know what is absolutely ridiculous is where I need everyone to be, please and thank you.

POINT #2: XYZ is not the new dating app

The combination of no one knowing where or how to find a partner + dating app fatigue (they don’t want you to actually find anyone because then you’d leave the app 😀) has resulted in a strong desire to bring back irl connections, but we’re all still unsure of how to do so. Add in the lack of third spaces in America today and we’re left with everyone latching onto the dating trend of the month. First, it was sitting at hotel bars alone, then came the Delta Sky Club, now we have run clubs. Now I’m not one to talk on this next point because I H.A.T.E. the phrase “love comes to you when you least expect it” but…maybe it does. I believe that love comes to you easiest when you’re in your element and if running is your thing then more power to you, but the concept of going to a run club to find a man…we’re losing the plot. Honestly, when you insert anything into the sentence “I’m going to X to find a man'“ the plot is so far gone. Now this is hard for me because I’d argue I have been in my element for 25 years and counting, doing things that I enjoy and trying to open myself up to receive and welcome love into my life. Has it come in a long-term package? Not yet, but at a point I think when everyone swarms to the new “way to meet your partner” it defeats the purpose there because everyone is in matchmaker mode vs. focusing on the joy of connecting in person.

We need to stop saying XYZ is the new dating app because breaking news: community spaces aren’t FOR dating. With so few spaces to genuinely connect with others in person, we’re doing a disservice to ourselves by constantly adding the lens of potential relationships being the main goal. Lean into what makes you happy and the rest will fall into place.

✨ SO WHAT’S THE POINT? ✨

As someone who has wondered for years why it hasn’t happened to me writing about this feels cathartic in a sense because I’m able to look at my situation more contextually. I did not fall out of a coconut tree and I do indeed exist in the context of all that comes before me HOWEVER sometimes the context is…annoying.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this issue I’ve been on dating apps since I was 13 years old, which I’m 90% sure has altered my brain chemistry a bit, but the main thing that kept me there was the guise of “control” + the quick shot of dopamine. In a society where I’ve so often felt like I was at the whim of other’s interest and desire to act, dating apps make me feel like I’m in the driver’s seat and taking proactive steps toward what I want. However, more recently I’ve started to realize that I was borderline addicted and it felt like I was gambling and always chasing after another match or a better match but having to sift through absolute trash to do so. It doesn’t make me feel good to think about how I felt that was necessary and it doesn’t help that I literally have nothing to show for it.

this is what it was giving

SO I am two weeks clean (cheers to all my friends who have heard me complain about that for the past two weeks) and I’m challenging myself this summer to put myself out there and just ~vibe out~. Definitely channeling my inner Millicent Bobbie Brown for this one because it’s grim out there.

So my readers, go forth into this Memorial Day weekend with love and we’ll check back in on this come August

from me to you,

Ianthe