AT THIS POINT...am I in a toxic relationship?

what do you do when things just aren't feeling like they used to...

If you’re my parents you can go ahead and skip this month’s issue, but for everyone else, the toxic relationship in question is not a man (sorry to disappoint)…but alcohol. Growing up alcohol was like the cool older kid where you didn’t know what they were up to, but it was a known fact that they were cool and you just rocked with it. So I highly doubt I had a true grasp on what alcohol was, but you best believe I was in the back of my family’s Toyota Sequoia rapping Nicki’s “Bottoms Up” verse and blaming it on the juice like my life depended on it.

a live look at young Ianthe

To set the scene, alcohol and I formally met on the first night of my freshman year (I wasted no time) and I was quickly introduced to the world of beer kegs, Burnett’s, and other things that make my throat burn when I think about them. While many things have changed since then, my 25th year of life poses the question: what role is alcohol serving in my life?

✨ CONTENT FOR CONTEXT✨

She’s a lengthy one, but this podcast episode is great introduction for anyone exploring their relationship with alcohol!

✨ WHAT’S MY POINT OF VIEW? ✨

POINT #1: Don’t go chasing those waterfalls girl

Anyone who knows me knows I have my “hall of fame” which includes nights where the vibes were immaculate. Cornerstone Wednesdays, UMD Homecoming 2019, even a “casual” happy hour with the girls…the list goes on, and the one thing that all of these have in common: the moments were full of alcohol. I always look back at these memories with rose-colored glasses so I can forget about how I felt after—and sometimes during—these nights, and instead lean into nostalgia and attempt to hit that sweet spot again. Occasionally I’d catch lightning in a bottle and have a repeat banger, however, 9 times out of 10 my efforts to replicate those moments often resulted in boring nights at crowded uninteresting places, groggy mornings, and some of the worst hangovers I’ve ever experienced (word to hangxiety). These days, I’m coming to grips with the fact that I most likely won’t be able to feel the same thrill I felt back in college while I’m 25 and paying NYC rent—the vibe just isn’t the same when you have several bills to pay. Instead, I want to focus on creating new, unique memories that aren’t an escape but allow me to be present and intentional.

Point #2: I’m living for today and tomorrow

For much of my early twenties (I guess I can say that now), heavy drinking had few consequences. My body bounced back quickly, my classes started at 2 PM, and the 2020 lockdown was not real life…the world was my oyster. All I thought about was the now and what I wanted to do: which was have fun. Well, I’m no longer 21, and although the gap between 21 and 25 doesn’t seem that wide, the body is keeping SCORE and I have a few tally marks too many. I think about “the morning after” FAR more than I used to which plays a big role in my choices. Nowadays I think: maybe I should chill out because I have that Pilates class tomorrow at 8 AM, or let’s head in early since I have a run in the morning, or even maybe I shouldn’t write this newsletter about my relationship with alcohol…while tipsy. Even something as simple as wanting to wake up and start my day on the right foot will make me pause and reevaluate my choices. My routine has become such a huge part of what keeps me going on a day to day and excessive drinking completely throws me off my game and leaves me thinking “Why did I do that?” and most of the time I don’t have a good answer. So rather than pondering in hindsight, I’ve started asking myself “Why do I want to drink?” on the front end which has become a game-changer in terms of helping me realize that sometimes I just don’t feel like engaging—no additional explanation needed.

✨ SO WHAT’S THE POINT? ✨

After sitting with this topic, I knew I didn’t want to make some grand statement or use a label like “damp lifestyle” to describe what was happening in my head. To be completely honest: I love a well-crafted cocktail, a wine night with the girls, and enjoying my youth overall. I write this as someone who’s in the midst of their journey and not at the finish line, which made this issue so challenging to write. What’s even more challenging is that in this journey I’ve had moments where I take 10 steps forward then others where I take 5 back. For a long time, I’ve operated with a mindset that since I can drink then I should and that’s been a tough habit to shake.

I don’t have an answer and I can guarantee you there will be more nights in my future that are hard to wake up from (bc you only live once duh), but like everything in my life, my main goal is to do it all with intention.

So rather than declaring this as my signoff to the liquid courage, I’m taking this opportunity to redefine my relationship with alcohol and take the reigns. I see the red flags and acknowledge that we may have had a bit of a toxic past, but it feels so good to finally feel like I’m in control.

from me to you,

Ianthe